Unlock Unstoppable Confidence: Help Your Teen go from Shy to Self-Assured

Jun 28 / Michelle Arseneault
The path to helping your shy teen turn into a confident young adult won’t be easy or straightforward. In fact, it's likely to be more akin to driving on a winding country road with unexpected twists and turns, much like my first driving experience (let's just say it was anything but smooth). But worry not! With my years as a life coach, I've developed a roadmap to help you navigate this journey with a bit more ease and a lot more hope.

Recognize the signs of shyness

Before you can begin to help your teen, you need to understand the signs of shyness. Picture this: Your teen is hesitant to initiate conversations, seems uncomfortable meeting new people, or shies away from participating in class discussions. These are all classic signs of shyness.

When it's more than just shyness

But sometimes, shyness can dip into deeper problems of social anxiety. There was this kid in my class in the 10th grade who would literally break into a cold sweat at the thought of speaking in front of the class. He described it as terrifying. That’s a strong word.

If your teen consistently fears judgment, avoids social interactions, or experiences excessive worry about social situations, it might be social anxiety, not just shyness. In such cases, it's crucial to seek professional help to manage these feelings and fears. True social anxiety isn’t something your teen will “grow out of” without professional help.
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Building confidence: The transformation begins

Now, let's talk about building confidence in your teen. As a life coach, I've seen the magic of the three E's: Encouragement, Empowerment, and Engagement.

Encouragement: Be their biggest cheerleader

I've worked with countless teens over the years and believe me when I tell you, every single one thrived on encouragement. It's like water for a thirsty traveler.

Let me share the story of Maria (Not her real name, but it does start with an “M”). Maria was a painfully shy 15-year-old girl who always felt overshadowed by her outgoing twin brother, Mark (His parents also gave him an “M” name). Her passion, however, was painting. When she painted, her eyes lit up like the 4th of July fireworks.

So, her parents and I encouraged this passion relentlessly. We made sure to compliment her creativity, persistence, and the effort she put into each piece, as well as the final product. Gradually, Maria began to open up as her confidence grew with each compliment.

As parents, you can do the same. Identify your teen's interests and encourage them wholeheartedly. Remember, your praise doesn't have to be reserved for big achievements. Celebrate the small wins too.

Note: Don’t be “over the top” with your cheerleading, though. It has to be authentic and natural. They’ll know if you’re not being sincere.

Empowerment: Equip them with skills

Have you ever noticed that when you're good at something, you feel invincible? That's the power of having skills, and it's no different for your teen.

Take Tom, for example. Yeah, I know. I’m terrible at making up names. Anyway, Tom was a quiet 16-year-old who dreaded the sound of his own voice. He avoided speaking up with his peers, even if he didn’t agree with them so he wasn’t having the best time at school.

We decided to tackle this head-on and got him enrolled in a local debate club. The first few sessions were a struggle, no doubt. But Tom persevered, and slowly but surely, he began to gain the skills to express himself confidently. I still remember the day he won his first debate match; he was over the moon!

You can do this at home by identifying areas where your teen could benefit from some skill-building. It could be a cooking class, a coding boot camp, a theater group, or even a gardening workshop. Remember, it's all about equipping them with a sense of capability. An added bonus? They’ll make friends.

Engagement: Nudge them out of their comfort zone

The final “E” in our toolkit is engagement. It's about encouraging your teen to take small, manageable steps outside their comfort zone.

Take Lily (Better?), a bright 14-year-old bookworm who would rather converse with the fictional characters in her books than real people. We decided to gently nudge her to engage with the world outside her books. So we set a simple goal: each week, Lily had to strike up a conversation with one new person. Initially, she was very nervous, but as weeks turned into months, she actually began to enjoy these interactions and they became way less scary.

Set achievable goals that gently push your teen's boundaries. You could encourage them to speak up in class, volunteer at a local shelter, join a book club, or simply say hello to the new kid in school. In Lily’s case, joining a book club would have been perfect, except that unfortunately, we couldn’t find one in her area.
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Patience and understanding are the key ingredients

Now, here's the catch. All this transformation isn't going to happen overnight. It's a journey, and like all journeys, it requires patience and understanding.

Patience: Give them time to grow

Picture a flower blooming. It's a gradual, beautiful process that can't be rushed. Your teen's journey to confidence is just like that.

Over the years, I've seen parents eager for immediate change. But true growth is a slow, deliberate process. Celebrate the small victories, embrace the setbacks, and trust in the journey. As I always say to the parents I work with, "Patience is not just about waiting; it's about maintaining a good attitude while waiting."

Understanding: It's their journey

Finally, remember that this is your teen's journey. They're unique, and their path to confidence will be too.

Ryan (My confidence with making up names is growing!) was a reserved teen who felt most comfortable playing his guitar alone in his room. He’s a perfect example. Initially, his parents struggled to understand his introverted nature, often comparing him to his more outgoing siblings. But as they learned to embrace his uniqueness, they found ways to nurture his confidence within his comfort zone. They convinced him to play with his school band. Today, Ryan's music echoes in auditoriums as he confidently strums his guitar before a live audience.

The journey to unlocking your teen's unstoppable confidence isn't about trying to change who they are. It's about encouraging their passions, empowering them with skills, and nudging them to engage with the world outside their comfort zone. As you navigate this journey with them, remember to be patient, celebrate the small victories, and respect their unique path.

And always, always remind them that you're there for them, every step of the way. Because nothing fuels a teen's self-assurance more than the knowledge that they have their parents' unwavering support and belief in them. And remember, as I learned from my first attempt at driving, every journey, no matter how bumpy, leads to growth. Yours, and theirs, is no different.
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